Ok, not gonna lie: this is pretty emo.  

Student teaching makes me really, really grouchy.  Like, really, a lot.  There are certain things Houghton said I would get out of this experience that I'm not, and expectations they have of me that I can't meet because of it, and it makes my life harder and that makes me grouchy.  Last year when I was chaplain of the whole frigging music building, I put forth a lot of effort to try to make sure that everyone's needs were being met.  I was on three different music building cabinets advocating for the well-being of each organization's constituents, and I did a lot to make sure that people were being cared for across organizations because there was a lot of overlap that often got ignored.  And now I feel very strongly that my needs are NOT being met, and it pisses me off even more because I'm still a little in "take care of people!!" mode.  I don't want to be specific, because I feel like that's not really appropriate.  But I'm grouchy and it's no good.

Situations are occuring that make it harder for me to succeed, which is really discouraging as a student teacher.  The point of student teaching is to see what works for you and what doesn't work for you and what works for other people and to make sure this is really what you want to do and that you won't fail miserably at it after you graduate.  I feel like I'm not getting as much valuable experience out of this as I could if things were different, and it's really upsetting to me.  The past week or so I've been wondering if I even want to teach, because it's just not good right now.  I hate waking up for school, I hate getting ready for school, I hate driving to school, I hate being at school, I hate prep periods, I hate lessons, I hate band, I hate after school, I count down the minutes until the drive home.  And that's not the way it should be.  And the students are great, and the music is fine... I'm just not ok with the way certain people are handling certain things, and it makes everything else not ok at all.  Rrrrrrr!  I've really been thinking--is this what I want to do?  I say things won't be like this when I'm not a student teacher--when things are all up to me--but what if they are? What if they're worse? What if I really do suck at this and I'm just blaming the situation? And the fact that everyone else is really happy student teaching makes me think whenever I complain that I'm just not cut out for this, because if I was then why isn't anyone else having problems?  I know the problems aren't my fault, but what if they are?

and I know things are going to get better, but I'm secretly, deep-down really a huge wuss and I'm afraid that the getting better process will suck more than the problem itself, like having to pull a bandaid off.  I never pulled bandaids off when I was little--I just waited for them to fall off in the bath.  I'd much rather just bide my time in a less-than-ideal situation than do something uncomfortable to make it better.  Thankfully, however, it's not up to me: someone else has ahold of the bandaid and whether I like it or not they're going to pull. 

AGH! Less than ideal.

And, of course, this is what I'm doing instead of writing lesson plans and going to bed.  So much for going in early tomorrow to practice.  In other news: I think my recital will be all French composers! I'm not really sure how I pulled that off, but I'm so excited! (and terrified)

Admitting Defeat

So, after 5th period today my teacher sent me home.  He was convinced I would get him sick, so he got rid of me, both for my sake and probably his.  I have to admit, I was relieved.  I could have made it through the day, but it wouldn't have been pretty or at all enjoyable.

I. hate. being sick.  Sneezing is really high on my list of things I hate, somewhere right around singing in public and going to the dentist.  But my housemates are (almost) all very sympathetic, and I did enjoy my nap this afternoon.  I'm at starbucks now because I had to email Mr. Stith--he's coming for my first observation Wednesday--and there's a very nice man sitting near me.  He heard me sniffling and expressed his sympathy: "allergies are terrible this time of year!"  I corrected him that I "just started teaching" and that my kids have already gotten me sick, and he asked if I was a kindergarten teacher.

Why am I NOT a kindergarten teacher?  

Anyway, it warmed my heart.  It probably had a lot to do with the fact that my hair doesn't do anything other than pigtails, so that's the "ewww I just woke up" hairstyle I'm rocking right now.  Anyway, I'm going back to bed now... yes, at 7:45.  Being a grown-up is lame!

So, my students have already gotten me sick.  I woke up Friday morning with a sore throat that has blossomed into quite the cold, and I'm pretty upset about it.  I haven't been sick at all since... April? So I suppose I shouldn't be that grouchy, but at the same time I feel like I have every right to be grouchy.  I mean, I had a camper SNEEZE ON MY FACE this summer and never had so much as a sniffle.  A week and a half with middle and high schoolers, though, and I'm miserable! Punks.

I had a wonderful time at Houghton this weekend!  It's so weird to be on campus but not living there or taking classes.  I spent some lovely quality time with some wonderful people, caught a little more than half of one of the Hamlet Week Hamlets, watched Hot Fuzz in the "sketchy corner" of the campus center basement, and basically lived in Java.  Mmmm.  

Today I made soup, in an attempt to kill my cold.  Mid-souping, however, one of our pepper shakers popped open and I dumped SO MUCH PEPPER all over the stove and kitchen floor!

The soup was fine, but it was still quite a pain.  

So, this week didn't start out so great.  Monday my cooperating teacher sent me home with a HUGE stack of scores--7?--to look through, making it sound like no big deal... and then at the end of 6th period asked me to spend all of 8th period middle school band rehearsing one of them.  Gee, thanks buddy.  Then afterwords, of course, we spent a good 20 minutes or so discussing how it went (not so hot, thanks to my minimal prep time!).... My teacher needs to work on the GNP "praise-suggestion-praise."  Just a thought.  So I went to tuesday night sem quite grouchy, and of course tired... And I didn't want to drive myself to sem, since Katie and Bekah were already going, but they wanted to go out for wings after--which is fine, except for that whole I-don't-eat-meat thing.  But we went out, and a lot of the other student teachers came as well and it ended up being a very nice time.  

I was still pretty grouchy yesterday, but today we started pull-out lessons and it. was. wonderful.  We're starting with the high schoolers (middle schoolers are my favorite), but it was so nice to have something to do every period.  The last week I've just had two classes every day--in the 8-block day--and so much down time has been KILLING me.  I get so sleepy and grouchy just sitting in the office doing paperwork or watching my teacher type out emails soooooo slooooooooowly.  But I enjoyed sitting in on the lessons today, and actually learning some students' names--and having kids stop me in the hall and say "Hi Miss Mayo!"  It was wonderful.  Also, the high school band has been practicing marching during class for the homecoming parade in October.  I. LOVE. marching percussion!  I tend to get in trouble with my teacher, because I want them to be BOA good, and that's just not where this school is.  At all.  By any stretch of the imagination.  Like, they don't even have a marching posture.  Seriously, kids--SET!  It means nothing to them.  If they were my band, they would be running SO many laps and doing crazy pushups.  But they aren't, and that's ok.  It still warms my heart to hear drum cadences and see guard flags, even if they are just practice flags and everyone's out of step and it sounds questionable.  It makes me think of the beginning of the season, early summer, when everyone's still excited to be there and cute little freshmen look scared and intimidated and new seniors are starting to be leaders.  I love it.  Mmmm...I love band.

Also, I'm going to Houghton this weekend! How exciting, right?  Bekah has to go down for a piano lesson, and pestered me to come with her. But she has to be there by 4:30, and I usually don't get out of school until at least 4 so there was no way. But! The orchestra director is flying to Virginia for the weekend for a... wedding shower?... and her husband couldn't get out of work to take her, so I said I'd drive her since the airport is so, so, so close to my apartment.  She wants to be at the airport around 3, which gives me plenty of time to get to Houghton with Bekah!  Mrs. K just told me she needed a ride for sure today, so I'm quite excited.  It's funny how I've spent the past 3 years trying to find excuses to leave Houghton, and now I go out of my way to find excuses to go back.  But, I'm excited. 

What are YOU excited about?

Student teaching is going well so far, despite a million (some-not-so) little stress inducers that should be driving me crazy.  Like that my school is forty-frigging-five minutes from my apartment, or that my GPS sent me down a road with a closed bridge the first day, or that the second day I was so nervous about meeting kids for the first time I left my lights on all day and had to get my car jumped, or that when the secretary called maintenance they said they weren't allowed to jump cars (but no worries! The Transportation folks are!), or that my football game Friday night got rained out during the second quarter, or that I have to wake up really early, or that my apartment doesn't have wireless so I'm paying to use Starbucks', or that gas is like 50 cents more expensive in NY, or that I didn't actually get a key to my apartment until Wednesday despite having lived here for like a week and a half at that point, or that I still can't check my mail, or that my cooperating teacher doesn't like lesson plans and straight up told me he wants me not to "depend on" (read: use) them and that he'll steal things from me.  Oy.

But! It's not so bad.  I like my school and the kids are (mostly) very well behaved, though they are quite chatty.  I like the other teachers I've met so far and I don't even mind the drive, just that I have to wake up so early to accomodate it.  Thankfully, school doesn't start until 8 AM so I don't have to get up as early as I expected... though I am still waking up at 5:30.  But, Friday I slept in until 6!  (So depressing, right?)  And I'm learning my way around Cheektowaga and Akron quite well.  My apartment is nice and close to Tops and Target and Starbucks, which are really all I need in life.  And I love, love, love my apartment and living outside of Houghton.  I love Houghton, don't get me wrong--I miss the people and being able to walk everywhere and stars and a practice room and my heart breaks because I can't go to Menno every Sunday.  But it's so nice to be able to go to Target!  Or to run to the grocery store whenever I need to.  Or to spend hours and hours people-watching in a big, comfy purple chair in Starbucks, though admittedly I did that all the time down in Java.  But I love my apartment, with its balconies and nearby laundry and playground and my wonderful roommates (even Katie).  I love watching Smallville--or, really, anything!--with Sarah, because she gets so involved and it cracks me up.  I love, love, love living with Bekah--she is wonderful.  I'm quite jealous of Allison getting to live with her for the last three years!  I love living with other student teachers, and working with teachers.  Even though poor Sarah has to hear us babble on about music lessons all the time, she loves it--she went to the school Katie student teaches at, and was in band--and she loves middle schoolers too, so we talk about them a lot and it's wonderful.  And I love cooking, even though I haven't very much yet.  Basically, I am happy.  I'm completely terrified of the future, but I'm sure that one day I'll be good at all of these little things that scare me.  I'm this weird mix of scared and nervous and completely content.  

How are you?