Ok, not gonna lie: this is pretty emo.  

Student teaching makes me really, really grouchy.  Like, really, a lot.  There are certain things Houghton said I would get out of this experience that I'm not, and expectations they have of me that I can't meet because of it, and it makes my life harder and that makes me grouchy.  Last year when I was chaplain of the whole frigging music building, I put forth a lot of effort to try to make sure that everyone's needs were being met.  I was on three different music building cabinets advocating for the well-being of each organization's constituents, and I did a lot to make sure that people were being cared for across organizations because there was a lot of overlap that often got ignored.  And now I feel very strongly that my needs are NOT being met, and it pisses me off even more because I'm still a little in "take care of people!!" mode.  I don't want to be specific, because I feel like that's not really appropriate.  But I'm grouchy and it's no good.

Situations are occuring that make it harder for me to succeed, which is really discouraging as a student teacher.  The point of student teaching is to see what works for you and what doesn't work for you and what works for other people and to make sure this is really what you want to do and that you won't fail miserably at it after you graduate.  I feel like I'm not getting as much valuable experience out of this as I could if things were different, and it's really upsetting to me.  The past week or so I've been wondering if I even want to teach, because it's just not good right now.  I hate waking up for school, I hate getting ready for school, I hate driving to school, I hate being at school, I hate prep periods, I hate lessons, I hate band, I hate after school, I count down the minutes until the drive home.  And that's not the way it should be.  And the students are great, and the music is fine... I'm just not ok with the way certain people are handling certain things, and it makes everything else not ok at all.  Rrrrrrr!  I've really been thinking--is this what I want to do?  I say things won't be like this when I'm not a student teacher--when things are all up to me--but what if they are? What if they're worse? What if I really do suck at this and I'm just blaming the situation? And the fact that everyone else is really happy student teaching makes me think whenever I complain that I'm just not cut out for this, because if I was then why isn't anyone else having problems?  I know the problems aren't my fault, but what if they are?

and I know things are going to get better, but I'm secretly, deep-down really a huge wuss and I'm afraid that the getting better process will suck more than the problem itself, like having to pull a bandaid off.  I never pulled bandaids off when I was little--I just waited for them to fall off in the bath.  I'd much rather just bide my time in a less-than-ideal situation than do something uncomfortable to make it better.  Thankfully, however, it's not up to me: someone else has ahold of the bandaid and whether I like it or not they're going to pull. 

AGH! Less than ideal.

And, of course, this is what I'm doing instead of writing lesson plans and going to bed.  So much for going in early tomorrow to practice.  In other news: I think my recital will be all French composers! I'm not really sure how I pulled that off, but I'm so excited! (and terrified)