For those of you who were concerned, never fear--I remedied the Eric Whitacre situation :D

I think I associate fall with music more than any other season.  In middle school I was always excited to get back to school and start playing again after the long summer of keeping my flute tucked under my bed or in the back of my closet.  Even now I admit I don't practice as much as I should over the summer, and by August (and even the end of June) my heart aches for new music.  And of course, in high school fall meant marching band!  Sure, it started in June but fall was when it mattered--the crisp air at football games, hearing Mr. Slightom over the PA announcing the show, long hours taking the same steps over and over again in the high school parking lot until they were perfect and permenant.  Having cheerleaders come up to me as drum major and say how much they appreciated all the work the band put into football games and tailgating parties, and how much more fun things were when we were there.  

And now I think of all the wonderful autumnal joy in the TFL--hand turkeys and pressed leaves and apple cider and that mischevious crock pot.  Playing with prospectives at Music Opportunities Weekend--and having all of them make hand turkeys, too!  Missing and reminiscing about student teachers who are missing and recent grads, and getting to know new grad students.  And last year, terrorizing each other with El Methods songs, welcoming songs for back-to-school and fall songs--halloween!  Yesterday Nicholette and I sang "A Famous Man" in celebration of Columbus day, and I hummed the Christopher Columbus song from the Y to myself, too.  I love hitting that point in the semester where there's still time to have coffee dates, that sweet lull right after a concert and right before Christmas music.  I love the beginning of Recital Season, singing the Doxology in the atrium with harmonies like there must be in heaven (of course, tuned to Chelsea Keane!), and the smell of flowers and candles and warm cookies rising over prayers of thanksgiving.  I love mingling after recitals instead of practicing or getting homework done or going to bed--and I love sitting in the hall right above the atrium and watching everyone else enjoy each others' company.

And of course, I love fall as a new (student) teacher.  I love the smell of freshly-sharpened pencils (remember the box in the TFL?) and the joy of sweaters and name tags and seating charts, the anticipation and a level of preparation that I won't have time or energy for again until next fall. I love browsing through J.W. Pepper and seeing what might be good for christmas or spring concerts, hearing drum lines from other schools practicing from my open window.  I love looking for school supplies, touching different notebooks to see how the paper would feel under note-taking, being absolutely obsessive over highlighter and pen colors.  I. love. fall.

And that, more or less, is what I think about when I hear "October."  I remember hearing it as a freshman when wind ensemble played it; I remember hearing it when Avon (I think?) used it in their marching band show--chilled fingers curled around chain-link fences, ears straining to hear from the wrong side of the field, breath visible in the dusk and caught by the beauty of the moment.  

October

It just occured to me that I've made it all the way to October 9th without listening to Eric Whitacre's "October." Something must be wrong with me!
I think I'll fix this over lunch today....

I neglected to mention a few other things I wanted to share that make me happy:

• Bekah pointed out a sweet Canadian jazz station to me on the radio.  (I spend a lot of time in my car.  It's not healthy.)  I spend most of my radio time going back and forth between it and the amazing classical station buffalo has, 94.5 WNED.  WNED keeps me pretty entertained--I love the morning anchor, with her somehow both chipper and soothing "good morning!"s, but sometimes you just can't handle any more harpsichord and for those times I've turned to 91 Jazz FM.  It's depressing sometimes, because they say the weather in celsius and that makes it sound SO MUCH COLDER--and trust me, it's already quite cold!  But I enjoy listening to the djs bicker back and forth, and their canadian accents entertain me more than they frustrate me, which is good (and quite different than my opinion on the buffalo accent).  Anyway, yes, I am lame enough that a radio station seemed blog worthy.
• The heat in my apartment is free.  Have I mentioned recently that it's cold outside?  Because it's really frigging cold.  Like, unseasonable-even-for-NY cold.  Not quite freezing but seriously....cold!  I'd had in my mind for a while that I should just wear a sweatshirt, and then today I remembered--we don't pay for heat!  I turned it on and cranked it up and now my apartment is nice and toasty. Mmmm.
• After much searching, I found a recording of the string/bassoon quartet I want to have on my recital.  I spent the better part of two days hunting for it online--there's only one CD of it!  I really didn't want to actually order it if I could get it online, and I found it Monday.  Our music store delivery guy came in last Friday while I was hunting for it, and because he's pretty much the nicest man in the world he asked me about it today.  I shared with him my jubilation over having found a recording, and offered to play a little of it for him.  We ended up agreeing to trade mix cds next friday, which is goofy but I'm excited.  Have I mentioned I spend A LOT OF TIME in my car?  I'm all about finding new music to listen to. 

So, after all my whining and complaining, the past week has been good.  Thursday night the boys apartment had us over for dinner and it was amazing!  I knew Jesse could cook after the Physics Pancakes, but I didn't know Chris could and I was way impressed by both of them.  We stuck around and watched the office and I learned that Chris and I are a lot more alike than I ever thought--he likes How I Met Your Mother!  I'm slowly winning over all the student teachers--Bekah is on to season two! :D  Friday Bekah and I went down to Houghton for the Rastrelli Cello Quartet artist series and it was amazing.  They only play music that was written for other instruments. They're fantastic! And, it's always nice to be at Houghton.  

Bekah and I spent the night, and then Saturday we hurried back after Bekah was done working to start working on dinner.  CMENC always buys a block of tickets to the BPO season opener, and this year it was Itzahk Perlman!  We invited everyone who was going over for dinner, and we got home with less than an hour to clean the house, cook, shower...cook!!  A lot of people couldn't come for dinner because of a Philharmonia rehearsal, so we invited the rest over for dessert after and we ended up having all but 2 of the Houghton folks over either before or after--that's 28!  It was crazy packed and SO HOT in our apartment, but it was so great to have company... and the leftovers are good, too :)

This week has been iffy at school, but today was a major accomplishment: my teacher has to start writing lesson plans!  Ridiculous that he doesn't, right?  Anyway, the principal finally, definitively got on him about it and now he has to write and submit them.  This means I get to know what I'm doing before I do it! Yesss!!!

How are you?

Ok, not gonna lie: this is pretty emo.  

Student teaching makes me really, really grouchy.  Like, really, a lot.  There are certain things Houghton said I would get out of this experience that I'm not, and expectations they have of me that I can't meet because of it, and it makes my life harder and that makes me grouchy.  Last year when I was chaplain of the whole frigging music building, I put forth a lot of effort to try to make sure that everyone's needs were being met.  I was on three different music building cabinets advocating for the well-being of each organization's constituents, and I did a lot to make sure that people were being cared for across organizations because there was a lot of overlap that often got ignored.  And now I feel very strongly that my needs are NOT being met, and it pisses me off even more because I'm still a little in "take care of people!!" mode.  I don't want to be specific, because I feel like that's not really appropriate.  But I'm grouchy and it's no good.

Situations are occuring that make it harder for me to succeed, which is really discouraging as a student teacher.  The point of student teaching is to see what works for you and what doesn't work for you and what works for other people and to make sure this is really what you want to do and that you won't fail miserably at it after you graduate.  I feel like I'm not getting as much valuable experience out of this as I could if things were different, and it's really upsetting to me.  The past week or so I've been wondering if I even want to teach, because it's just not good right now.  I hate waking up for school, I hate getting ready for school, I hate driving to school, I hate being at school, I hate prep periods, I hate lessons, I hate band, I hate after school, I count down the minutes until the drive home.  And that's not the way it should be.  And the students are great, and the music is fine... I'm just not ok with the way certain people are handling certain things, and it makes everything else not ok at all.  Rrrrrrr!  I've really been thinking--is this what I want to do?  I say things won't be like this when I'm not a student teacher--when things are all up to me--but what if they are? What if they're worse? What if I really do suck at this and I'm just blaming the situation? And the fact that everyone else is really happy student teaching makes me think whenever I complain that I'm just not cut out for this, because if I was then why isn't anyone else having problems?  I know the problems aren't my fault, but what if they are?

and I know things are going to get better, but I'm secretly, deep-down really a huge wuss and I'm afraid that the getting better process will suck more than the problem itself, like having to pull a bandaid off.  I never pulled bandaids off when I was little--I just waited for them to fall off in the bath.  I'd much rather just bide my time in a less-than-ideal situation than do something uncomfortable to make it better.  Thankfully, however, it's not up to me: someone else has ahold of the bandaid and whether I like it or not they're going to pull. 

AGH! Less than ideal.

And, of course, this is what I'm doing instead of writing lesson plans and going to bed.  So much for going in early tomorrow to practice.  In other news: I think my recital will be all French composers! I'm not really sure how I pulled that off, but I'm so excited! (and terrified)

Admitting Defeat

So, after 5th period today my teacher sent me home.  He was convinced I would get him sick, so he got rid of me, both for my sake and probably his.  I have to admit, I was relieved.  I could have made it through the day, but it wouldn't have been pretty or at all enjoyable.

I. hate. being sick.  Sneezing is really high on my list of things I hate, somewhere right around singing in public and going to the dentist.  But my housemates are (almost) all very sympathetic, and I did enjoy my nap this afternoon.  I'm at starbucks now because I had to email Mr. Stith--he's coming for my first observation Wednesday--and there's a very nice man sitting near me.  He heard me sniffling and expressed his sympathy: "allergies are terrible this time of year!"  I corrected him that I "just started teaching" and that my kids have already gotten me sick, and he asked if I was a kindergarten teacher.

Why am I NOT a kindergarten teacher?  

Anyway, it warmed my heart.  It probably had a lot to do with the fact that my hair doesn't do anything other than pigtails, so that's the "ewww I just woke up" hairstyle I'm rocking right now.  Anyway, I'm going back to bed now... yes, at 7:45.  Being a grown-up is lame!

So, my students have already gotten me sick.  I woke up Friday morning with a sore throat that has blossomed into quite the cold, and I'm pretty upset about it.  I haven't been sick at all since... April? So I suppose I shouldn't be that grouchy, but at the same time I feel like I have every right to be grouchy.  I mean, I had a camper SNEEZE ON MY FACE this summer and never had so much as a sniffle.  A week and a half with middle and high schoolers, though, and I'm miserable! Punks.

I had a wonderful time at Houghton this weekend!  It's so weird to be on campus but not living there or taking classes.  I spent some lovely quality time with some wonderful people, caught a little more than half of one of the Hamlet Week Hamlets, watched Hot Fuzz in the "sketchy corner" of the campus center basement, and basically lived in Java.  Mmmm.  

Today I made soup, in an attempt to kill my cold.  Mid-souping, however, one of our pepper shakers popped open and I dumped SO MUCH PEPPER all over the stove and kitchen floor!

The soup was fine, but it was still quite a pain.